For You

I shelved my inhibitions
I locked away my pride

My ways of life were left behind
I changed my worldly view

You brought me to a different place
Tangled me in your web

I don't know what I want to do
My world is upside down

I'm not the man I used to be
It was quite a change

For the better, I don't know
And thats whats eating me

I'm not who I thought I was
I changed it all for you

I thought I did myself a service
By opening my mind

But now it keeps on bothering me
I'm lost without a doubt

I can't stay here, I'm not at home
My mind has wandered long

I'm sorry dear, I've made my choice
I've gotta follow it back to me

Dinner for one Part 6

I wished that the feelings I felt that night would last forever. We spent the whole trip back from Calgary reliving that fateful night in our minds. We were closer then we’d ever been. It felt like we had been magically joined by a strange spiritual bond. It wasn’t just about sex though, we found a connection, we shared something. Something I’d never felt before.

Our lives became intertwined when we returned home. We spent nearly every night together, our days only separated by her work or my classes. It was apparent that we were falling for each other. One night, while standing on the Shore of Wascana Lake, she looked at me and told me that she had something to say to me. She seemed nervous, she began shaking, and a tear fell from her eye. I was afraid, until she told me that she loved me. I quickly echoed her sentiments, and we fell into a passionate embrace. I was happier then I’d ever been before.

Our relationship was picking up steam. We were in love with each other, and not afraid to show it. Slowly but surely we became more comfortable with each other. It takes time to become comfortable enough with a person to be able to walk around in your underwear and freely scratch your anatomy with total impunity. I felt like I had started a new life, I was aglow, I had finally found what I was looking for.

As with any relationship, we had our problems. Petty things would come up, but nothing lasted for more than an hour, until my two great loves began to collide. I was playing with 2 orchestras at the time, as well as seeing her. After a performance at the concert hall, I was discouraged. I was ready to give up music. When I told her my feelings, she didn’t seem to understand. I was hurt that she didn’t comprehend the magnitude of my stating that I wanted to walk away from music altogether. I became very angry, but I didn’t show it. I hid my anger, as I usually do and carried on trying not to show how truly upset I was.

Eventually I got over it. I couldn’t stay mad at her. I had to leave for a weekend to attend my cousins wedding, so I left her at home and I went to Calgary once again. I arrived a day early, so I had some time to spend with my friends. I went out for a night with the same group as my last journey to Calgary, but this night had a distinctly different ending.

Being the designated driver, I drove all parties home. The last person to drop off was my best friend. She was the same person that kissed my beloved the trip before. This time she had her sights set on a different target. As we sat in the car, I went to give her a hug and our lips met. I made no attempt to stop what was happening. Even though it was only a single, drawn out kiss, it seemed like something amazing to me.

After the kiss I wondered what I had done. I’d never been unfaithful. My love for my girlfriend wasn’t in question, but the carnal desire for my best friend raged on. I was torn and confused. I had no idea what I should do. Instead of doing anything that would be considered to be right, I decided to keep quiet and carry on with my trip. I attended the wedding, I enjoyed my time but couldn’t stop worrying or thinking.

On the bus ride home, I couldn’t think of anything but that night. The kiss replayed in my mind. I could feel her warmth, her soft lips. It was pure ecstasy, but I knew what the consequences could be. The unfaithfulness, betrayal, and all the things that made me angry I had done. I was torn apart inside, but I knew that I needed to keep from saying anything. I was met at home with loving arms and a warm bed, but I felt as though I’d spoiled it. It never felt the same.

I managed to maintain my composure, and keep the relationship going. I loved my girlfriend; there was no doubt in my mind about that. I knew I made a mistake, but it still ate at me. I tried to maintain my relationship as best as I could, and it was going well. I thought I’d finally gotten over my indiscretion, until I started talking to my best friend more. She started planting seeds in my head that the relationship was failing. She told me that since my girlfriend didn’t understand my passion for music that she didn’t understand me. I was reminded of the kiss, reminded of everything that was wrong with the relationship, all the things that I’d tried to forget or overlook. She told me that as long as I was with my girlfriend, she didn’t know me.

It all came down to a single day. I was due to be performing that night at a bar with a local jazz band. I’d rehearsed as Lead Trumpet, learned the parts and I was ready to go. I got a text message that morning from my best friend asking me who I was, I realized, I had to choose. This was one of the worst days of my life. I decided to break off my relationship. She was angry and hurt, I was hurt and I didn’t know what else could go wrong. I soon realized that everything could be wrong.

It started with the end, the end of my relationship. It progressed to a phone call from my mother informing me that all my personal information had been stolen; it was contained on a hard drive that was taken from a data processing company. To try to cheer myself up, I mixed a batch of Muffin Mix, a simple, easy way to have fresh baking to try to make my day go better. While in the midst of baking, I received another phone call. I was informed that due to a personnel addition for the evenings gig, I was to be on fifth trumpet, filling out the section. I was irate, I couldn’t believe I’d been demoted and my ego and arrogance overtook me. The other thing that overtook me was the smell of smoke. I had burned my muffins. Instead of warm, fluffy lemon poppy seed muffins, I had created a batch of small yellow-brown hockey pucks. I didn’t know what to do.

I was barely functional. I played the gig the best I could, and it wasn’t easy to maintain my composure while playing in an unfamiliar seat with a part I’d never seen before. For the sake of my own ego, I reassured myself that I played as well on an unfamiliar part as anybody else did on their rehearsed part. I was still hurt, but at least I’d told myself that I was a good enough player to sight read a whole gig and succeed.

The loss of my girlfriend still hurt, I knew I made another big mistake, but I didn’t know how to fix it. The more I thought, the more I realized how stupid I really was. I continued to try to formulate a plan to get her back. It was all I could think about, until my mother called again. She’d told me that she saw an ad in the Calgary Herald recruiting industrial medics, and told me I should apply. I was always nervous about calling people.

Still I'll Ride

You can Take my pride
But Still I'll Ride
The sunset calls my name

I'll Light a Smoke
Tell Another Joke
Shelf my pain for another day

All you take
I'll never break
I won't give up

You took my dreams
Silenced my screams
My agony is real

I won't show pain
A smile I'll feign
You'll never see me cry

I Try to be
All you want of me
But I always seem to fail

You bleed me dry
Well, at least you try
But I'll never submit

My will is my own
I just wish you'd have known
All you meant to me

Dinner for One Part 5

It had been 2 months since February, and my new interest was spending the night with me before we went to Calgary the following morning. She had been pushing me to do it for almost a week, so I decided “This is the night I have to do it, I gotta kiss her”. My heart was set, but my mind didn’t seem as convinced. We were alone in my condominium for nearly 3 hours before I finally cornered her against the fridge and kissed her. It was purely magical. It was a magic bullet that killed all my pain. The night was the best medicine I could have asked for.

The next morning we left for Calgary. A good friend of mine from my high school years was making a weekend trip and we decided to jump in with him. Her and I held hands most of the trip, it was like being in an elementary school romance. I stole a kiss at every opportunity, she’d be sitting in the back seat massaging my neck or just caressing the back of my head. I was elated, I was aglow and I felt like I was on top of the world.

Our time in Calgary was rather uneventful. She stayed with me in my parents’ basement (In a separate room, of course). We toured the city, I showed her some of the places from my youth and we enjoyed each other. Young and in love, though at that time we didn’t know it.

Even though we didn’t know it, it was apparent. We spent all our available time together, including an evening of pool with my best friend in Calgary. Women around me are well known for dirty tricks, and my best friend decided to help her odds by wrapping my girlfriend in a passionate embrace and engaging in a game of tonsil hockey. I was trying to make the winning shot of a “Boys vs Girls” pool match; needless to say my concentration was thrown.

When we woke up the next morning she remarked about my best friend’s forwardness, and how she really did enjoy the experience. I shrugged it off we carried on with our event filled day. A day of sightseeing in downtown Calgary, snuggling by the river, capped off with a nice dinner. Even though we were in my parents’ basement and separate rooms, it didn’t stop us from our first experimentation.

Late at night I crept the 10 feet to her bedroom, slowly opened the creaky door and found her waiting. The moment our eyes met the passion began to flow. Her beauty and radiance overtook me as I crawled up beside her on the bed. Much to my chagrin, the bed squeaked violently with every movement. I was afraid that we would be unable to truly enjoy each other’s company that night or far worse, have one of my parents walk in on us. All fears aside, we continued, and with great difficulty relocated most of the bedding to the floor. The movement of our bodies together generated a warmth that radiated throughout the whole room, the passion was more intense than anything I’d ever felt. The night was pure bliss.

Dinner For One Part 4

I’ve always hated February, especially February the second. This day is the anniversary of 3 things in my life. It marked the death of my Aunt, the death of my Grandfather and the death of a cherished relationship. A relationship that introduced me to a wider world yet simultaneously narrowed my thinking. A relationship that I poured my heart and soul into, a relationship that almost killed me.

I sunk into a deep depression. My stomach wouldn’t let me handle solid food for a week. My anxiety was unimaginable. I was a total mess and I wanted more than anything to get her back. I finally took solace in exercise. Though I wasn’t eating, I spent almost 3 hours a day in the gym. Loud music and the burn of muscle exhaustion carried me through the worst of it. As much as I hated myself, I realized the joy of a good workout and at the time, developed a new addiction.

Throughout my lifetime I’ve been exposed to alcoholism, and I’d never been a stranger to the bottom of a glass, but once my stomach settled I started to drink. I was drinking to forget, drinking to be happy, drinking to be anywhere but where I was. I tried to drown my pain and float my sorrows away but, alas, no volume of whiskey could fill the void that she left. My heart was broken, in pieces and pickled.

As I sobered up for the final time, it hit me, she was gone for good and I was on my own. Being shy made it very hard to get out and try to have fun again, meet people and maybe fill the void. I wanted that companionship, the love and the caring. I wanted to wake up next to somebody. I wanted so much, I had a huge hole to fill, but the more I tried the more I failed.

The prospects were grim, until a fateful Friday afternoon. I met a girl for coffee, an innocent enough proposal. Coffee turned to talking and talking turned to a friendship. It was a great friendship that was developing. We had similar interests and I found her very attractive. I thought that my hole was finally being filled.

Dinner for One part 3

Okay, it’s been a while, so to refresh your memory I’ll add the last paragraph of part 2 of Dinner For one to refresh your memory.

After I got off the plane, and she helped me with my luggage, as I was not supposed to carry anything for the next two weeks, and we got into her car and we drove home. When we got inside, she said “I have a surprise for you”, and handed me a teddy bear holding a small box....

The contents of the box were of little consequence. After all the pain I had endured, it seemed like it was all worthwhile. Her mere presence took away the pain, if only for a moment. The simple act of her being there made it feel like the whole experience was worthwhile. Her warm caress melted my pain, it warmed my heart.

As the pain of my surgery started to ease, the pain in my heart began to grow. I saw her and I drifting apart, but I didn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t bring myself to accept that there were problems, because everything was perfect, it had to be. It couldn’t be anything major, bumps on the road but they could be overcome.

I can overcome, I’m strong, I’m tough, and I’m smart. I always thought I could do anything, but sadly I found out that I failed. We had drifted too far apart. I was away for Christmas and she seemed to find comfort in the arms of another. I couldn’t accept it, so as I kept pretending it wasn’t real. The more I tried to reassure myself the harder it got, until one day my make believe world was shattered.

A View From The Dark - Finale

Dickerson approached Mr. Black as he was repairing one of the hinges on his gate. “Do you mind if I bring along one of the girls from the office with me to the party on Friday?” Dickerson asked. “No, the more the merrier” Mr. Black replied. “Excellent, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled” Dickerson replied. He started his car and drove off. After arriving at the office, Dickerson asked his secretary to fetch the new intern. “Sarah, I am attending a function this Friday and I would like you to join me”. She looked up at Dickerson, “I would be thrilled, sir, but, why me?” she asked quizzically. He rose from his chair, “Well, I noticed that you haven’t gone out at all since, well, you know, and its been three months now, and I thought you might want to get out of the house” Dickerson said, in a caring, fatherly manner. “Well, thank you for thinking of me, sir” she said. “And you can call me Mark, Sarah, please, no need to be so formal” Dickerson said. “Is this a, um, date, Mark?” she inquired. “oh heavens no, my wife would not approve, I am bringing you as a guest” he replied. “Alright, just clarifying sir” she replied as she left his office.

Sarah and Mark arrived late to the party. Sarah was in awe of the estate, amazed by the detail. Mark began to introduce Sarah to the group sitting around the table, first to his wife who was already in attendance, and then to the rest of the group, doctors, lawyers, politicians. “The host must be busy somewhere, he’s sometimes a little, well, different” Mark said, as a small laugh came from around the table. The discussions began with Mozart, Beethoven and Bach, but quickly turned to gossip about the goings on of the neighborhood, as well as the lives of the well to do. Sarah quickly lost interest. She was quite taken by the crimson paint scheme, with the candelabra emitting its dim orange glow, leaving patches of shadows across the room.

“So, Robin, what brings you here” she asked when he returned from the lavatory. “Fate” he replied, placing a small kiss on her forehead. “How do you know that the owner isn’t here, and why weren’t you down at the table with the rest?” she asked somewhat suspiciously. “The group really does not interest me, so I chose to take my own path” he replied. She tackled him on the bed and kissed him passionately, “You are dodging my question, Robin, how do you know the owner is away?” she whispered in his ear. He used his strength to roll her over, leaned into her ear and said “the owner is here”. Startled, she sat up and looked at him nervously. “Do you think he heard us?” she asked with a worried tone. “Of course he did” he replied. She had a look of shock, then of confusion. He held her tight and told her “this is my home”. “Sarah, I’ve always loved you, even while I was away in Peru, you were on my mind, when I heard that Todd had proposed to you, I thought I had lost you forever. I am sorry that it did not work out between you too, but I always knew that Todd was too good to be true.” Robin said, placing his arm around her and holding her. “I never liked him, Sarah; he never had to work for anything. His life was given to him on a silver platter. He did not appreciate what he had, his money, or you” he said quietly. “I wondered where you were and what you were doing, I really did miss you, and I guess I always loved you” she said, fighting back tears. “Can you ever forgive me, Robin?” she asked. “Of course, Sarah, can you forgive me for leaving?” he whispered. “Of course, my love, of course” she said.