I wished that the feelings I felt that night would last forever. We spent the whole trip back from Calgary reliving that fateful night in our minds. We were closer then we’d ever been. It felt like we had been magically joined by a strange spiritual bond. It wasn’t just about sex though, we found a connection, we shared something. Something I’d never felt before.
Our lives became intertwined when we returned home. We spent nearly every night together, our days only separated by her work or my classes. It was apparent that we were falling for each other. One night, while standing on the Shore of Wascana Lake, she looked at me and told me that she had something to say to me. She seemed nervous, she began shaking, and a tear fell from her eye. I was afraid, until she told me that she loved me. I quickly echoed her sentiments, and we fell into a passionate embrace. I was happier then I’d ever been before.
Our relationship was picking up steam. We were in love with each other, and not afraid to show it. Slowly but surely we became more comfortable with each other. It takes time to become comfortable enough with a person to be able to walk around in your underwear and freely scratch your anatomy with total impunity. I felt like I had started a new life, I was aglow, I had finally found what I was looking for.
As with any relationship, we had our problems. Petty things would come up, but nothing lasted for more than an hour, until my two great loves began to collide. I was playing with 2 orchestras at the time, as well as seeing her. After a performance at the concert hall, I was discouraged. I was ready to give up music. When I told her my feelings, she didn’t seem to understand. I was hurt that she didn’t comprehend the magnitude of my stating that I wanted to walk away from music altogether. I became very angry, but I didn’t show it. I hid my anger, as I usually do and carried on trying not to show how truly upset I was.
Eventually I got over it. I couldn’t stay mad at her. I had to leave for a weekend to attend my cousins wedding, so I left her at home and I went to Calgary once again. I arrived a day early, so I had some time to spend with my friends. I went out for a night with the same group as my last journey to Calgary, but this night had a distinctly different ending.
Being the designated driver, I drove all parties home. The last person to drop off was my best friend. She was the same person that kissed my beloved the trip before. This time she had her sights set on a different target. As we sat in the car, I went to give her a hug and our lips met. I made no attempt to stop what was happening. Even though it was only a single, drawn out kiss, it seemed like something amazing to me.
After the kiss I wondered what I had done. I’d never been unfaithful. My love for my girlfriend wasn’t in question, but the carnal desire for my best friend raged on. I was torn and confused. I had no idea what I should do. Instead of doing anything that would be considered to be right, I decided to keep quiet and carry on with my trip. I attended the wedding, I enjoyed my time but couldn’t stop worrying or thinking.
On the bus ride home, I couldn’t think of anything but that night. The kiss replayed in my mind. I could feel her warmth, her soft lips. It was pure ecstasy, but I knew what the consequences could be. The unfaithfulness, betrayal, and all the things that made me angry I had done. I was torn apart inside, but I knew that I needed to keep from saying anything. I was met at home with loving arms and a warm bed, but I felt as though I’d spoiled it. It never felt the same.
I managed to maintain my composure, and keep the relationship going. I loved my girlfriend; there was no doubt in my mind about that. I knew I made a mistake, but it still ate at me. I tried to maintain my relationship as best as I could, and it was going well. I thought I’d finally gotten over my indiscretion, until I started talking to my best friend more. She started planting seeds in my head that the relationship was failing. She told me that since my girlfriend didn’t understand my passion for music that she didn’t understand me. I was reminded of the kiss, reminded of everything that was wrong with the relationship, all the things that I’d tried to forget or overlook. She told me that as long as I was with my girlfriend, she didn’t know me.
It all came down to a single day. I was due to be performing that night at a bar with a local jazz band. I’d rehearsed as Lead Trumpet, learned the parts and I was ready to go. I got a text message that morning from my best friend asking me who I was, I realized, I had to choose. This was one of the worst days of my life. I decided to break off my relationship. She was angry and hurt, I was hurt and I didn’t know what else could go wrong. I soon realized that everything could be wrong.
It started with the end, the end of my relationship. It progressed to a phone call from my mother informing me that all my personal information had been stolen; it was contained on a hard drive that was taken from a data processing company. To try to cheer myself up, I mixed a batch of Muffin Mix, a simple, easy way to have fresh baking to try to make my day go better. While in the midst of baking, I received another phone call. I was informed that due to a personnel addition for the evenings gig, I was to be on fifth trumpet, filling out the section. I was irate, I couldn’t believe I’d been demoted and my ego and arrogance overtook me. The other thing that overtook me was the smell of smoke. I had burned my muffins. Instead of warm, fluffy lemon poppy seed muffins, I had created a batch of small yellow-brown hockey pucks. I didn’t know what to do.
I was barely functional. I played the gig the best I could, and it wasn’t easy to maintain my composure while playing in an unfamiliar seat with a part I’d never seen before. For the sake of my own ego, I reassured myself that I played as well on an unfamiliar part as anybody else did on their rehearsed part. I was still hurt, but at least I’d told myself that I was a good enough player to sight read a whole gig and succeed.
The loss of my girlfriend still hurt, I knew I made another big mistake, but I didn’t know how to fix it. The more I thought, the more I realized how stupid I really was. I continued to try to formulate a plan to get her back. It was all I could think about, until my mother called again. She’d told me that she saw an ad in the Calgary Herald recruiting industrial medics, and told me I should apply. I was always nervous about calling people.
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